Ah, the thrill of 30. Dare I call it a "thrill"?! I definitely think so...as it's been approaching all my life, yet obviously more recently these last few weeks, I have to say that my response has been sane, if there is such a thing. I've noticed a great sense of relief as I approach the closing of my twenties, a decade that was for me filled with striving, a need to prove myself in the world, and an overall sense of unrest and dissatisfaction with life & myself. Of course, this certainly wasn't all that my twenties provided, but hindsight definitely grants a greater perspective on life, and thankfully so! This more expansive view has allowed me to recognize how deeply I honor the beautiful process that life offers and the inherent wisdom that lives in all aspects of the Universe and its magical matrix.
In Rajanaka Tantra, a householders' spiritual path and philosophy that I've been studying & living in alignment with as best as possible for 6 years, there is this fantastically intuitive and completely real model for the phases of life. This model has been helpful to me in the past, and at this point in my life, it becomes even more significant and weighty. The different phases of life are as such: Pashu, Virya, & Dvani. Each phase is thought to last about 30 years, so from 0-29 years, 30-59, and 60 onward. The first phase, that of pashu, is, the time of being a "grasshoppa", one who is learning the ropes of life and, like a sponge, absorbing it all as best as possible. This is the time when we begin to cultivate who we are and what our preferences are in life, learning what works for us and what doesn't, and experimenting with all of the rich & varied experiences that life has to offer. The second phase, that of virya, is the time for living & working intently, establishing oneself in life, creating a family if one so chooses, and continuing to find spirituality in the activities of daily life. Because this path is for householders, day-to-day activities, rather than having to be mundane, are opportunities for actualizing one's potential with regard to each different exercise. People begin to refine themselves & their deeper desires in life (always in alignment with their highest good, one hopes), more intuitively knowing how to live in a way that brings what's inside one's heart out into the world skillfully & inspiringly (I like to make up words). The third phase, dvani, is the phase represented by a complete & total refinement of oneself and one's life, the stage in which one can sit back and sigh with a deep sense of satisfaction with oneself and with what's been accomplished in life. It's at this point that the Tantrika, through having cultivated such an awareness of his or her refined preferences, gets to delight in these preferences as fully as possible, and from a sweet space of wisdom gained through life experience. One of the beautiful things about this model is that people get better as they age, like a fine wine that ripens & becomes more flavorful with each & every day! Pretty nice model, right?!
I'm certainly thankful to have been exposed to this way of thinking & living fairly early on, but sometimes the lessons are still intense no matter what tools you have! My twenties taught me that being everything to everyone all at the same time is not an option unless the goal is exhaustion & lack of awareness of one's true self. The self-deprecating attitude I carried & strange need to prove myself to others was underlying much of what I did during this time, from pursuing my B.A. at UNC, to becoming a Certified Anusara Yoga teacher, to opening a yoga studio at the age of 26 (thankfully I had some help along the way!). While I was certainly cultivating myself more fully and developing enhancing & clear preferences in life, the place from which I was doing so oftentimes was typified with rigidity, force, & imbalance. A lack of confidence in myself played out in overdoing things in other areas of life, leading to a skewed perception of my capabilities and deeper disconnection from my true & authentic nature and voice. This was uncomfortable at best and painful at times, but I see it now as all part of the process at work. And of course, my twenties contained many lovely jewels that have left sweet & deep, lasting impressions on my heart! Amidst intensity & challenge at times, the paths I've chosen have not led me astray (do they ever really?), and quite the contrary, have guided me exactly where I've needed to journey before arriving at this point. What seemed like an overly-circuitous route to the present proves to have been full of amazing scenery, delightful stories, and stellar experiences that have always reconnected me to a deeper part of myself that was seeing me through and waiting for me to arrive back the whole time. The 6 or so drives cross-country gave me a huge appreciation for the vast & interesting land that we know as the United States, full of places to hike, camp, yoga, climb, dance, meditate, and simply commune with Nature and oneSelf. The day I spent in the Gila Wilderness of New Mexico for my 21st birthday was one of the most memorable, giving me the opportunity to reflect on the beauty surrounding me and be introduced (or re-introduced, perhaps) to a feeling of magical support contained within the structure of the Universe. And the amazing places I have had the honor of experiencing through my spiritual practices have been Grace-imbued, awesome, and truly life-changing; I am humbled and totally grateful for all of them. Life's wild ride has truly been a full spectrum of sound, color, form, and experience, highlighted at different points along the way to make the tapestry even more rich and playful!
And here it comes...30, ushering in a whole new world of possibilities for enjoying & savoring in the sweetness of life in a new way, one that is softer & more chilled out. What this upcoming time has to offer is much different than I would have thought or imagined, and I welcome it with open arms & an open heart. The idea of actually getting to relish in the fruits of life's work is beautiful and exciting, especially since this has been a bit foreign to me in times past. For just like a well-aged & delicious wine needs time to ripen & ferment, it also needs people to drink it to enjoy its unique & exquisite taste, lest it never be known or able to share its interesting flavor with others. And each wine is different, with a complexity of flavors so extraordinary that it needs to be taken in on every level possible & truly savored. This is definitely something I'm ready for! The things that come in this next decade -- greater comfort in being myself, creating family and stronger roots, loving in deeper & more authentic ways -- are perfectly timed, for had they come any earlier, I certainly would not have been prepared. This brings me great gratitude for the magical & mysterious nature of life, the inherent intelligence it has; we could not have planned this ride nearly as well as the Universe already has!
The amazing anthropologist Joseph Campbell said, "Follow your bliss. Find where it is and don't be afraid to follow it." Obviously he got it, and thankfully so; his wisdom can remind us of this great gift of embodiment so that we may truly taste the sweet flavors of life in the deepest ways possible. So, here's to the next 60 or so years of following dreams, refining preferences, savoring each delectable moment, and living fully, getting better at being grateful for life with every minute!
