From this day forward it's official, and only by the sheer fact of my choosing to fully see and embrace reality and the lessons therein. The fact is this: I am, indeed, a rural householder. Anyone I know could have told me this, but I've just recently been made aware of my own inability to do so for a little while now. One year and four months ago, I moved to the definite sticks, one hour away from gateway yoga, the studio I own, and the wonderful community there. It's taken that long for me to finally claim full responsibility for this fact and the direction my life has gone since. The process of coming to a place of greater realization and the freedom this awareness provides was interesting, at times grueling, and has been a long time coming. For my happiness with my decision to be a rural householder was not always the case, I assure you, as would many of my friends.
Some time ago, it became apparent to me through the wonderfully real process of self-reflection that more nourishing time spent at a quiet, spacious home had the potential to be a very balancing thing for me. Rather than running around to teach and attend workshops galore and have a super booked schedule that rarely included downtime or time for deep rest, living out in a "town" devoid of a center (save the post office and gas station right beside it...there's not even a stoplight) offered something that has been a fear of mine for a long time -- slowing down and actually taking the time to relax. I know that probably sounds either crazy or all-too-familiar to many, as the case may be. For me, this deeper pattern of an inability to allow myself rest became so obvious that I realized it could not be pushed down into my awareness any longer. It was up and ready to be dealt with. This, and the fact that I was completely head-over-heels in love led me to the next phase of life, so I did what any householder yogini would do -- I dove right in!
I suppose one might think that living in a place where most people get a look of complete confusion on their faces at the mention of its name seems totally unideal. It was actually that way for me too at first. I'd definitely heard of the place, having grown up 20 minutes away, but it was always the place where "back country" people lived, and I could easily push it into the recesses of my brain to stay there. I never dreamed it would become my home for some time. But ah, the things we do for love, especially in the googly-eyed, let's-not-be-rational-because-we-can't stage of dopamine and serotonin surges. A few months after moving out to my current home, I questioned my sanity a number of times, sure that I would go crazy out here with no "live" community to interact with other than my honey and my dog, and no stimulation other than Netflix movies, facebook, and community blogs. For awhile I took the victim route, wallowing in the forgetfulness that I was the one who actually made the decision to live in a place where people are very different from me in every obvious way. Um, this one didn't go over so well. I was led into a space that I'll just say was not so fun. At all.
Once I stopped dwelling in the non-life-enhancing archetype of the victim, choosing to engage the decision I had made with the skills my spiritual path has thankfully taught me, life began getting better, as it tends to do. As the new year rolled around, I saw and affirmed my own needs in the situation, and I acted skillfully according to them. I created a schedule that worked better for me and allowed me to stay in Raleigh, where my studio is, at least once a week. I reached out to my local friends and started spending more time with them. I called fantastic friends who are living far away and on my headset, had some incredibly fulfilling conversations. I downloaded good podcasts to listen to on my way to and from work, and I used the tools at my fingertips to reconnect with dear community members who have thankfully been in my life for years. Suffice to say, all of this began working, and quite well.
As Spring rolled around, I was truly able to recognize the beauty of my neighborhood, seeing as though for the first time the amazing colors abounding, most especially the lush shades of green all around. I enjoyed hanging out with the neighborhood kids, walking my dog as they rode their bikes around the block with me, talking to them about the 5 great elements, the inherent beauty in life, and other sweet topics. And, very importantly, I was able to meet my partner, the person I moved out here to be with, with more vivacity for life and more contentedness in myself. Not only was I happier in my relationship with me, but in all of the relationships I have. I finally came home to myself.
Rather than resisting the growing voices of discontent within, voices that wanted so desperately to be heard, I chose to listen. This listening, while at first extremely uncomfortable, reconnected me with a deeper part of who I was that wasn't getting the attention it needed. As I opened to this inner dialogue, I gained the courage to fully own my choices and stand in them. Fully claiming ownership of every part of who I am gave me the opportunity for extreme empowerment and immense transformation. I was able to see life through the lens of the Heart and from a place of Goodness, and so it goes, life became more filled with Heart and with Goodness.
So now when I get a day to be at home, I can thankfully open the back door to hear the sweet birds' songs and the sound of the breeze rustling through the leaves in the trees. I get to eat delicious and healthy home-cooked food that contains no processed sugars or starches (have you read the Sugar Article at NYTimes.com?!). And I get to sit in a place of true contentment from the Tantric perspective: in choosing to truly want my own choices, making them the most righteous ones possible, I learned what it means to be deeply captivated by life. While I never mistrusted my spiritual practices and their efficacy in my life, I learned deeply that I must be completely and totally willing to engage these practices in the most clear and real ways possible, and only then will the lesson truly revel itself within me and within life.
May the process of true self-reflection and deeply listening continue to reveal all of the shadows inside so that we can lovingly choose to transform to even brighter, more radiant beings.
