The Lila of Life!

It's been a couple of years since my last blog post, and my, how times have changed. If I spent time addressing the past 2 years here, this post might be a book! Instead, I'll get to the original intent behind why I'm writing today.

Yesterday I had the opportunity to participate in a yoga photo shoot. Over the now many years of practicing and teaching yoga, how many of these events have I had the blessing of being a part of? Lots. Too many to count on 2 hands, honestly. And they've all been interesting in their own way. Yet yesterday brought up parts of me that the Universe, through its synchronicity, has been inviting (or forcing!) me to look at and get real with. Because we were not just taking pictures of yoga poses. Had we been doing this, Lila would've been just fine. I can do yoga pose after yoga pose, and do so playfully, lovingly, and happily. But no, that's not what was needed. Instead, yesterday was a different kind of yoga photo shoot: we were taking (insert horrifying look) head shots -- the most dreaded kind of pic there is for me. Horror of horrors! Why? Because every yoga head shot, or portrait, or whatever you want to call it, has felt ridiculous, inauthentic, and silly to me. It's forced me to go to a place inside of myself that has felt, well, like a pubescent girl, who is just not cool with what's going on. 

I got a front row seat to this interesting and funny drama yesterday. I put on my now go-to Nico Pusch tracks to help with the vibe, and looked to a couple of my dear soul sisters for some inspiration and love. Yet the little girl in me wanted to RUN out of the room at full speed, and never look back. Seriously, the panic and awkwardness that came up were so palpable I could taste them. And most likely, so could everyone in the room.

Thankfully, I was able to keep my shit together enough to actually stay in the room and do what needed to be done -- smile. And smile like I meant it, not just because I was having my picture taken for yoga marketing materials. But throughout this portion of the shoot, there was still a rather large part of me that wanted to bolt, and perhaps did, unbeknownst to the rest of me.

I breathed easier once we got to the asana part...that's where the fun is! So no problem. I watched and supported my friends (as they thankfully did for me) with their portions of the shoot, which went swimmingly.

Afterward, I carried this strange, disconnected, separate-from-everything feeling with me for the rest of the day. And I seriously gave myself a really bad headache. The mild headache I'd woken up with grew to almost migraine proportion, coupled with the heaviness of my energy field and vibe. Seriously I don't know who would've wanted to hang out with me for the rest of the day! Yet when I had the opportunity that night to chat with some close friends, something really lovely happened. As I spoke, it was as though "Lila" got out of the way, and Consciousness itself just streamed through. "I" said everything that Lila needed to hear, and with love, conviction, and utmost clarity. After I shared this piece, I sobbed for a few minutes straight, allowing my body to shake and my being to be completely vulnerable and raw. Then, that was it. I felt light, the headache was gone, and my sanity returned (well, mostly!). The aperture of Awareness opened again, and a spacious presence was present in my experience.

So, what happened yesterday? Well, first off, I had a "human moment", as one of my spiritual teachers Adya would call it. I love that! Yep, we all have these moments from time-to-time, perhaps even daily! And I believe we all know what this feels like -- we get triggered, and all of our shit comes up for us to look at, and in that moment, it is so real. And probably so intense. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and again, yet expecting different results. If we go to the same hurt, uncomfortable, angry, or scared place inside every time we get triggered, and we let this not-so-awesome feeling rule us, we will most likely have the same results we've always had before. Because, let's be clear, Boston knows that "it's (definitely) more than a feeling." Getting triggered can be so real that we don't feel like we have an option to do anything other than what we've always done in whatever scenario is challenging for us. 

Yet, conscious practice reminds us that we always have a choice. I find that when I have enough spaciousness in myself and presence to choose differently, that's exactly what I do. Rather than feeding the old pattern, or samskara, I can see it clearly for what it is. I see the timid little girl who wants to run away and never return, and I offer her love. And I giggle with her, and the hilarity of taking head shots in order to market myself as a yoga teacher becomes clear, and I can have fun with that. I have the ability to delight in what's going on in the moment, and truly enjoy it.

I invite you to this practice, as I invite myself. Do whatever it is in your life that brings you spacious awareness. Perhaps it's dancing, or meditating, walking in nature, practicing yoga, playing music, or just being. Whatever it is, notice how your being feels on every level when you're in this space. How can you "carry" this with you through your day, especially to those challenging places and times that might, in fact, trigger you. When you are having a "human moment," can you gain enough presence to see the silliness of the human drama that we all experience? Can you stay spacious in the midst of your triggeredness? My guess is that yes, you can. It just might take a little practice. And that's the fun part.